Guilt Free Self-Care: Does it exist and how do I get it?!!!

Guilt free self-care. Impossible or elusive? Self-care is a huge buzz word but how do we actually carve out time for ourselves with our busy schedules, without that nagging feeling of……I should be doing something else? As busy hardworking women whether it be a career or a career raising kids, (raising kids is a JOB - a super important one)it is vital that we take the time to rest and re-charge so that we can be our best selves in our super active lives. Throughout this blog we will look at why we put up excuses not to look after ourselves and I will provide some tips on taking those moments without the guilt.

 First of all what the f$*$ does self-care actually mean?

 The good old Oxford Dictionary states self-care is

 ‘the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health.’

And

‘the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.’

 Ashley Eder, LPC, a psychotherapist in Boulder, says

“Think of care as a finite resource, like money in the bank, you can’t give more than you have without bankrupting yourself. You also can’t invest your money in making more money if you give it all away. Having the resources to share with others depends on conservation and renewal of your own supply.”

I think if we give more than we can spare it has a negative effect. It also uses all our reserves of energy and leaves us feeling exhausted.

What if self-care is actually a powerful way to help care for others? By giving yourself the chance to recharge and rest you will be more present for your friends and family.

Knowing that it would enhance our lives and all the peoples who are in it, why is it then that whenever I want to take some timeout for myself I feel this over-riding sense of guilt, sometimes even having to justify to my family why I need this ME time.

What runs through my head………

You don’t deserve it, you haven’t worked hard enough today.

You need to do the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc, school run

There isn’t enough hours in the day to get everything done.

If I don’t do the laundry, who else will?

If I take this time then all the s*^! will still be there when I get home

If I take time for me then what do the kids whilst I’m doing that?

This causes me to sometimes not do the yoga class, meet up with friends, not sit for 5 minutes meditating because I feel GUILTY. Is it something engrained in us women?... the guilt thing….it drives me nuts. I am a forward thinking women, very independent, work and earn my own modest wage, why do I feel guilty?

Is it because it feels unproductive and we should be attending to our never ending lists? (BTW they never stop compiling :)

So why do we feel guilty?

This will be different for us all but the first step is awareness……. Sitting with the guilt feeling and working out where it is coming from. What are the reasons behind the guilt?

As our endless to do lists get bigger and bigger, we feel that we have to finish them in order to justify taking a break and attending to our needs. There’s always something more important to be doing, so a moment to ourselves doesn’t feel earned. So we don’t take that self-care time and we get angrier and more overwhelmed. It spirals round and round in our heads and is exhausting.

We are also a world addicted to being busy

We aren’t great at sitting with uncomfortable feelings – the reasons for our guilt and where they come form, so choose to push on. But the first step to getting out of our guilt loop is acknowledging our feelings and emotions. What tends to happen when uncomfortable feelings creep in, is that we go into busy overdrive, rather than being with what has surfaced. One way that can help is writing your feelings down and asking these questions….

 1/ why do I feel like I can’t give myself this time?

 2/ what is stopping me?

 3/ How important is this time to myself?

 4/what would happen if I left my lists and work/chores for a bit and focused on myself? What would actually happen?

Steps to help alleviate the guilt

1/Plan ahead

Make a list of things you would like to do……eg/ yoga class, meditation, sitting and reading, taking a walk, sitting in the sun, massage, facial, coffee date etc

Then you will have your ideas at hand

2/Give yourself permission

Super hard and a total work in progress for me, because the ‘shoulds’ creep in. Maybe giving it a time parameter could help.

3/Listen out for old patterns surrounding guilt

It’s up to you to be aware and notice if it is an old story playing out or maybe someone else’s story is stuck in your head. Sometimes just acknowledging this helps us to see it for what it is - just a thought.

4/Time blocking could be helpful. Sometimes I like to plan my day. Setting time to complete tasks - that way I can add in my self-care time which is an essential part of the working day. Making sure I take time to enjoy my cuppa sitting outside for 15 minutes, timetable it in and see how it feels.

5/ Limit time on social media. This is a big one for me. When I am aware and limit this I have so much more time and I love it.

If you struggle to take the self-care time as leisure time, how about renaming these moments in different frames?

I need to do 30 minutes of exercise a day as this helps clear my mind and looks after my body, so I am better at all the tasks I have to do.

I need to meet up with a friend for coffee as this helps my mental health and well-being, causing less sick days, refreshing me and helping me to focus.

Self-care is essential and non-negotiable. Get planning that moment for yourself today. Start small and let it grow…..baby steps….you’re worth it :)

Inspiration from pychcentral.com and Emily Rudow